How'd you like to spend Christmas on Christmas Island?

I know it's been a long time since I've posted, but it's my blog and I will do as I please.  Now silence, you insolent fools!  I'm about to drop some holiday cheer on you.  Read on, dear friends.

I think it's about time for the NAACP to fold up shop. Their work is done.

I try to avoid political, racial, and religious topics on this site, as well as other "third rails."  This blog is sort of an escape from the pressures of my day to day, and I want to keep things light and airy.  Once every so often, I read something so ponderous that it forces me to break my own rule.  So here goes.

The Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP has expressed outrage over a Hallmark greeting card which has been on sale for three years and is intended for graduates.  The card has one of those tiny voice chips in it and features those annoying cartoon rabbits, or whatever those creatures are supposed to be.  The cartoon voices express pride at having graduated and a willingness to take on the universe, including "ominous black holes."

Anyhow, some old fool misheard the card as "black whores."  The NAACP led a pressure campaign and got Hallmark to pull the card from its shelves and destroy the remaining stock.  Some huge drugstores such as CVS and Walgreens have also pulled the card.  The ever rapacious NAACP says that's not enough.  They want an apology from Walmart.  Apology for what?

If I were a Walmart exec, I would give them a counteroffer.  You shut the hell up and it will prevent me from lodging a nuisance criminal complaint and from suing your organization out of existence.  I am a firm believer that we have made great strides in race relations in this country.  But presumably, there is something more important for the NAACP to be doing.  This kind of organized thuggery and race baiting actually HURTS their argument.  It stirs up racial resentment and it makes the NAACP look like a bunch of clowns.  John McWhorter, a brilliant linguist and scholar on race issues, writes that many civil rights organizations now encourage a culture of "victimology."  This is a good case in point for McWhorter's thesis.

Perhaps the Los Angeles NAACP has outlived their usefulness?

The people have spoken

The true genius of the founders was that they established a Democratic Republic.  A system of governance in which when the people speak, the powerful must listen.  Well the people have spoken, my friends.  And I am not talking about the political primaries last night.  Boooooooooorrrrrring!

I am talking about America's new favorite sandwich, the KFC Double Down.  The sandwich was supposed to only be available until this coming Sunday.  But KFC has reported that sales have been so brisk, they will continue to make the sandwich available for as long as it remains profitable.

Those corporate fat cats at KFC thought they could introduce the sweet, sweet Double Down to the American public and then take it away like a thief in the night.  But we told those oligarchs.  When you offer us a sandwich comprised of two slabs of chicken in lieu of bread with bacon strips and cheese and sauce in the middle, you must continue to make it available indefinitely.  We are a proud people, and we deserve no less.

So remember, "Don't Just Feed Your Hunger--Crush It!"  Head in to KFC for a delicious Double Down.  The founders would be proud.

Plum Island Update

Way back in January, I wrote about Plum Island, a mysterious complex off of Long Island, NY where the U.S. government does secretive research on highly contagious animal diseases.  Yesterday, a friend (thanks, Liz!) clued me in to a report on Huffington Post that a local congressman has some serious questions about the proposed sale of the island.  Rep. Tim Bishop has written to the House Homeland Security subcommittee to express his concerns about the sale.  He says that a proposed replacement lab could cost more than $650 million, whereas the sale of the island might yield only $50 million to $80 million.  Anyone in the market for beachfront property?  Guess where they're slated to build the replacement?  Manhattan!  Manhattan, Kansas, that is.  Guess I won't have to break out my gas mask and biohazard suit anytime soon.

Bishop, incidentally, faces a potential challenge from a 30 year old grandson of Richard Nixon who is one of at least six people seeking the Republican nomination to run for the Eastern Long Island seat.

I'd like to note a new addition to my resource list on the right hand side of this site.  I have just linked to The Black Tie Guide.  The is billed as a gentleman's guide to evening dress, and it delivers.  Most importantly, the site provides a simple guide to appropriate formal dress with pictures of dos and don'ts.  I wish this site was required reading for anyone attending a Hollywood premiere, as even the richest and most famous actors tend to look like they're wearing piles of rags on the red carpet.  In addition, the site gives a detailed narrative of the history and evolution of formalwear.  Nerdy, I know, but you might find it interesting anyhow.

Who's up for some world music?

In my previous entry, I mentioned the breakup of A-ha.  The music video for their greatest hit, "Take on Me" is iconic.  If I asked you to think of a random 1980s video, chances are that one would pop into your mind.  But most music videos from foreign pop acts don't translate so well here in the U.S.  I'd like to share some of my favorites.

Believe me, the sun always shines on TV

Here's a piece in the NYDrinker which takes me back to my college days.  My friends and I used to spend our leisure time at a watering hole called the Blarney Stone.  Founded by a man named Daniel Flanagan, the Blarney Stone was a chain of dive bars which catered mainly to the lunchtime construction worker crowd.  By some accounts, there were more than 30 Blarneys at one time in New York, plus similarly named imitators that did not want to kick up to Mr. Flanagan.  Based on my knowledge of the four that I have been to, I am sure that each location was more dingy than the last.  Alas, there are now only five Blarney Stone pubs left, including the one from my college days (though that's not entirely true, as even that one closed and reopened around the corner when I was a senior).  The NYDrinker piece documents a daytime pub crawl they went on of the remaining five.  Hat tip and photo credit to NYDrinker.  I will be sure to take a closer look at their site.

In other food news, I just read on the NY Eater blog that T'Poutine has shuttered it's doors.  Poutine is sort of the national food of Canada.  It is essentially french fries smothered in brown gravy and topped with cheese curds.  Sort of similar to what those of us who grew up with local diners and luncheonettes would call "Disco fries" or "Elvis fries."  I first heard of T'Poutine because of actor Michael J. Fox.  During his presentation in the closing ceremonies of the Olympics a few months back, Fox mentioned poutine.  It sounded delicious, so I searched for a place which serves it in New York.  T'Poutine did, at least for a nine month period, but is apparently no more.  For what it's worth, the Mrs. and I very much enjoyed our poutine when we made our one visit the weekend following the Olympics.

Here's some news that made me go "Nooooooooooooooooo!"  The 80s Nordic synthpop band A-ha, best known in the states for their infectious 1986 hit "Take on Me."  While that song promised "I'll be gone in a day or two," A-ha was around for about 30 years.  Apparently they were a huge act in other countries, despite only having two U.S. hits.  Sort of like David Hasselhoff.  A-ha's lesser known song to chart in the states was "The Sun Always Shines on TV," which is a favorite of mine, although I have been advised by at least one friend that it is an incredibly effeminate song.  Speaking of effeminate, here's a piece of trivia: I auditioned for high school show choir with "Take on Me."  A-ha, you will be missed.  I have embedded below their biggest hit, as well as Family Guy's take on the same, and the "literal video" version, which is always good for a laugh.

Cub Scouts encourage video gaming?

I was a Cub Scout when the original Nintendo Entertainment System was at the height of popularity.  My friend's mom was our Den Mother, and I remember how we used to sneak away during den meetings to consume snack foods and play classic games such as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Mike Tyson's Punchout.  I have fond memories of my time in Scouts.  I enjoyed many opportunities as a Boy Scout and Cub Scout which I would not have had otherwise as the kid of a single mom--such as camping.  But while my time in Scouting came and went, video gaming is still an active part of my life (much to the dismay of my dear wife, who does not necessarily share my excitement for the latest X-Box releases).

I was surprised, given that we are in the midst of a childhood obesity epidemic which is the pet project of the First Lady, that the Cub Scouts have started offering a "Video Gaming" belt loop.  For the uninitiated, belt loops are the Cub Scout equivalent of merit badges.  They are little metal tabs which slide around the military style webbed belt worn by Scouts.  They also make putting the belt on or taking it off near impossible without sending little metal tabs flying all over the place.

This is likely an effort by the Boy Scouts of America to remain relevant in a time when kids are fixated by technology and gadgets.  The requirements for the badge include selecting and purchasing an appropriate video game under the supervision of an adult, and playing a video game with a friend for one hour (though when do kids ever stop playing video games after one hour?).  I fully intend to contact the Boy Scouts and request my retroactive video gaming belt loop based on all the hours I logged playing video games at Den meetings.  I would personally prefer that new merit badges and belt loops be based around concrete real world skills.  But I don't think this necessarily signals the death of physical activity for kids.  Many of the children in my karate dojo spend hours playing video games, but they also do karate, play sports, and participate in other extra curricular activities.  It's all about balance, as my wife likes to remind me.

Now My Life Has Changed in Oh-So-Many Ways

As a nod to my occasional "Awful Products as Seen on TV" features, I thought you would enjoy the video which I have embedded below.  It is called "As Seen on TV - A Tribute to Doing it Wrong" and is a montage of the best moments from As Seen on TV commercials.


Saturday Night Live recently ran a pretty funny commercial parody with a similar premise.

Hulkamania is gonna run wild on you, brother!

On Wednesday, November 27, 1991, World Wrestling Entertainment (then known as World Wrestling Foundation, or WWF) held it's annual Survivor Series Pay-Per-View event.  The main event was a bout between reigning WWF champion Hulk Hogan and relative newcomer The Undertaker for the World Championship belt.  My nine year old world was about to be shattered.

The Moral Vacuum's Adventures in Internet Journalism

It recently came to my attention that there are internet sites that get many more page views than this one.  I was as shocked by this as I am sure you are, dear reader.  (I know there is only one or less of you, which affords me the ability to give you the personal attention you deserve, including directly addressing you.)

In the course of my day job, I regularly work with the editors of a mostly conservative news and opinion site called PajamasMedia.com.  They frequently accept submissions on issues outside of politics and hard news.  For example, a recent piece on my favorite TV show, Mad Men.  I thought it would be fun to write and submit a piece on one of my passions, mixed martial arts.

MMA is illegal in New York State despite being legal in the vast majority of other states.  I wrote a piece in which I explained the sport of mixed martial arts to the uninitiated, and laid out the argument as to why it should be made legal.  If you'd like to read it, please do so.  And tell a friend!  Between the two of us who are involved with this blog, I the writer and you my one reader, we must know upwards of ten people.  Anyhow, from what I can tell, my piece did not go over well at all!

The first commenter questioned whether I was employed by any mixed martial arts promotion, or paid to write the piece.  No, although I wish!  UFC President Dana White, if you're reading this, please call me!  A subsequent commenter made the convoluted assertion that the popularity of MMA is evidence that the worker class is growing more discontented and a revolutionary overthrow of capitalism is near.  No, I'm pretty sure man has had an apolitical interest in combat sports since the dawn of time.

By about that point, the mixed martial arts superfans started to chime in.  These later rounds of commenters chastised me for propagating what is known to superfans as the "Zuffa Myth."  I am not even going to explain what that is, but the short version is that no one outside of the devout MMA community would give a damn, so I used commonly accepted shorthand in describing the history of MMA.

I attempted in a response to explain to those superfans that my piece was meant for people who might not have heard of MMA, not those who care about minute historical details.  So in summation, my piece was roundly rejected by fellow MMA fans, political radicals, and cynics alike.  Also, my own mom, whose response to the piece was "DUDE!  Why are you riding the UFC's jock?!  Strikeforce is putting on much better matches at much cheaper production costs!12@!11"  Geez, I didn't even know my mom watched MMA!  I sure took a beating in my first attempt at internet opinion journalism, but hope to write other pieces in the future.

I Feel Better

This music video from U.K. based electropop band Hot Chip will either make you laugh out loud or give you nightmares.  Or both.  It starts out kind of slow, but at about :52 it gets positively nutty.  Without giving anything away, my favorite parts are the flippant response at 2:00 and the way the guy in the center of the stage knowingly and wisely runs away at 3:13.  Hot Chip's video gives new meaning to the phrase "dance battle."

Here's one for those of you who have been living under a rock.  Does anyone remember Insane Clown Posse, the supposed rap group best know for their serial hatred of Eminem and their moronic group of followers called Juggalos?  Not surprisingly they have been dropped from their label.  Undeterred, they independently released an album the first single of which, "Miracles," tackles the hard questions.

The video for Miracles showcases special effects that look like they were done by a 12 year old.  But as bad as the video is, the lyrics are worse.  The song is meant to explain "that without explanation," but is really a laundry list of things with reasonable explanations that confound the mouth breathers of ICP.  The best example is at 1:50... "F***ing magnets!  How do they work?"  But they earn bonus points for denouncing scientists as liars whose explanations for these miracles would just "leave them pissed." Oh, also, apparently there is "magic everywhere in this bitch."  This video has been all the buzz on the internet for the past week or so, and was even parodied by Saturday Night Live.

Bonus information on Juggalos:  They are considered a gang in several states and have been involved in criminal activity up to and including murder.  There is an annual Gathering of Juggalos (so be sure to avoid Cave-In-Rock, Il from August 6th to 9th of this year).  And they show just how nonconformist they are by joining a subculture of people who dress, act and think alike.

The Fordham Flip

Since we're now in the thick of baseball season, I thought it fitting to mention a baseball story that has been getting some national attention, and which concerns my alma mater.  Brian Kownacki,
Fordham's shortstop--apparently channeling Willie Mays Hayes--did a backflip over the catcher to score a run.  The video, embedded below, really must be seen to be believed.  For his efforts, Kownacki has gotten mentions in outlets including MLB.com and The Bleacher Report, which commented "Fordham baseball isn't a big deal by any stretch of the imagination. Located in the East Bronx, Fordham is a secluded university with sub-par athletic facilities. Its basketball gym is the oldest remaining gym in Division I basketball. Across the street is the baseball field where no more than 100 fans will attend games—usually just parents and bored students."  Harsh, but they have obviously visited Fordham.

A proud moment

I know it's been a long while since I have blogged at ya.  But something has come to my attention that is of such grave importance that I couldn't allow it to go without comment.  What has happened?  Oh, it's really no big deal. American society has just reached the highest peak of awesomeness, that's all.  I am speaking, you might have already guessed, about the Double Down, a new sandwich from the chicken wizards at KFC.

The sandwich is, according to KFC nutrition scientists, "so meaty, there's no room for a bun."  I commend them on their efforts at including a bun.  I can only imagine how they toiled thanklessly in some dark basement laboratory trying to fit a bun around all that meat and cheese.  But in the end, you can't fight the inevitable.  And so, KFC was forced to release the Double Down sans bread.

The sandwich, which was released this past Monday, April 12th, is comprised of two pieces of fried chicken (presumably in lieu of bread), two slices of cheese, the Colonel's sauce, and bacon.  For the health conscious, you can get the chicken bread in both grilled and original recipe versions.

This just makes me want to start chanting U-S-A!  U-S-A!  This sends a message to those who would oppose American, from rogue nations, to international terrorists.  You know what that message is?  "We are a people of great resolve.  We invented the Double Down.  Clearly we have no fear of death.  Do you really want to test us?!"

By the way, this thing is still healthier than many other fast food items, believe it or not.  Now that's American ingenuity.

Awful Products as Seen on TV: Shake Weights

Hello, ladies!  If you're like me, you're looking for a revolutionary way to shape and tone your arms.  Why shouldn't you have strong, sexy, sculpted arms which you're proud to show off?  Well now you can, with Shake Weights.  There's only one problem.  Using the Shake Weights in a public setting might be rather... embarrassing.

I Kick Ass for the Lord

The 1992 zombie flick Braindead (which is incidentally Peter Jackson's best and most important work and is better known in the U.S. as Dead Alive) featured a Catholic priest who "kicks ass for the Lord."  If you haven't seen the clip, watch it.  You will thank me.

While scouring the news today for work, I came across this ABC News piece about a Kentucky based church called Xtreme Ministries.  The church, which caters largely to people returning from military service, is also a gym.  Congregants train there, participate in mixed martial arts matches on Saturdays and hold church services there on Sundays.

As a fan of MMA, I have long observed a relationship between missionary Christianity and the combat sports community.  Some of the earliest and biggest stars of the sport such as Matt Hughes and Jens "Lil' Evil" Pulver are outspoken Christians.  Fierce competitor Quinton "Rampage" Jackson is a Born Again, and considers himself "God's Street Soldier" as the tattoo on his arm reads.  There is even a clothing line called "Jesus Didn't Tap."  The name means that much as a MMA competitor ideally refuses to "tap out" thereby yielding to his opponent, "Jesus didn't quit after going through unimaginable suffering and pain when he was crucified on the cross."  I'm unsure of the significance of this trend, but it is interesting to say the least.

I previously posted about serial killer Rodney Alcala, an amateur photographer whose work was released by police in hopes of identifying previously unknown victims.  In an update to that story, detectives are currently fielding hundreds of calls according to the L.A. Times.

Hatfields and McCoys

The current debate about healthcare reform and the political rancor surrounding the same made me think of this article I recently read on Politics Daily.  The article concerns two brothers who are both political operatives who stand on opposite sides of the aisle.  It hit close to home, as my brother and I both work in the policy realm on opposite sides.  I like to think we comport ourselves better than these two guys.

Check out this great list of 19th century slang from the always enjoyable Art of Manliness blog.  For the unfamiliar, Art of Manliness is dedicated to "reviving the lost art of manliness" and regularly posts pieces of old school wisdom for men.  It meshes nicely with another favorite of mine, The Fedora Lounge.  Due to an error of omission, Art of Manliness is not featured on this blog's resource list.  I will correct that post haste.

In the spirit of classic manliness, I leave you with one of the most important and influential short silent films, "Larry Goes to the Market."  Worthy of your two minutes, I assure you.

Comfort Food

My dear wife is in California visiting family for the next few days.  As such, I am home alone for the first time in a very long time.  I am learning that while cohabitation with a female domesticates a male to a certain degree, it also dulls many of his essential survival skills.

For example, food.  I never learned any cooking skills beyond frying an egg (poorly, I might add) or boiling water.  When I lived on my own, I subsisted mainly on Stouffer's TV dinners.  The turkey one is actually quite good.  The lasagna is not bad, either.  However, I have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle since then.  I have grown soft because I have my lovely wife's cooking to look forward to each night.  I have not had to act as a hunter-gatherer for a long time, and it shows.

When I was a child, two of my favorite foods were tuna fish sandwiches with mayo and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  This still remains the case.  The Barenaked Ladies lyric  "If I had a million dollars, we wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner, but we would, we'd just eat more" resonates deeply for me.  I had a tuna sandwich for lunch today, so I can check that off the list.  I have a feeling that I'll be having a box of Mac N' Cheese in the next few days.

Kraft Mac N' Cheese actually has a somewhat interesting history.  It was introduced in 1937 in the U.S. and Canada.  World War II contributed to the product's popularity as the rationing of meat and dairy created a need for hearty, meatless entrees.

At this point, it's a legacy brand.  I know I am not the only one who feels a nostalgic pang at the sight of "the blue box."  There's just something about a foil packet of nuclear orange colored powder that spells delicious to me.  Over the years, Kraft has marked Mac N' Cheese in many different variations made to appeal to kids (for example, Ninja Turtles, spiral shaped noodles, or pre-mixed cheese sauce in a pouch), but true aficionados such as myself know that these variations suck.  The powdered sauce doesn't stick as well to noodles of shapes other than the traditional elbow.  And the noodles themselves don't take on the right consistency when cooked.  And cheese sauce in a pouch?  That's just gross and it never tastes right.

The good folks at Kraft provide plenty of recipes to fancy up your Mac N' Cheese, but I like it best the old school way.  What does it say about me that one of my favorite foods has an official website hosted by an animated dinosaur, the Cheesasarus Rex?  Hopefully that I have discerning taste.

Billz Classics: The College Years

While in the process of putting together an application, I started to dig through my old college papers.  In the fall of sophomore year, I took a class entitled "America Circa 2000."  From what I recall, the professor led us through an examination of American culture and society at the turn of the 21st century.  Deep within an old hard drive, I found several very short response papers which I wrote for that class.  Unfortunately, the descriptions of the original assignments have been lost to the ages.  So I'm not sure exactly what I was responding to.  What I wrote for the first assignment made me laugh out loud and I thought it suitable for a fresh edition of Billz Classics.  You will find the original one paragraph paper below, followed by my usual commentary.

Who's up for some snorkeling?

Since my post last week on former Rep. Eric Massa, it has come to light that his Navy shipmates have some pretty interesting stories.  For one, Massa used to like giving men what he called "Massa Massages."  Also, he is apparently a snorkeling enthusiast.

Last week, I remarked that the events unfolding in the Massa scandal have the comedic pacing of a Saturday Night Live sketch.  The writers at SNL were apparently unable to resist doing a send-up of Massa's escapades, featuring him in both the cold opening and Weekend Update sketches.  My favorite aspect of the cold opening is that before Massa gets in the obligatory "Live from New York, it's Saturday night!" viewers are treated to a reenactment of his tickle fight with the congressional staffers he lived with.  The reenactment goes down pretty much exactly as I picture the actual event.  Massa even utters the phrase "Kill the old guy!" which is how he described the giant man pile he threw to celebrate his 50th.

Here's one that's good for a laugh.  The always excellent Neatorama linked to a mock movie trailer by the comedy team BriTaNick.  If this were a real movie, it would be guaranteed to win an Academy Award.  After all, the trailer features the song "The Dragon's Heartbeat" from the "Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story" soundtrack.  (You'll know it when you hear it.)  The video is a brilliant spoof of Hollywood studio tearjerkers, and I think you'll enjoy it.  See below.

Portraits of a Serial Killer

Rodney Alcala was convicted last month of murdering a child and four women between November 1977 and June 1979.  He is lead suspect in several unsolved murders, and has been linked to dozens of disappearances and deaths.  He also had a knack for photography.